every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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