I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
