4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
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I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
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Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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