i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
