I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
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Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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