I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
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At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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