I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
