So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
