I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
