eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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