I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
