these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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