Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
