you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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