Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I came so hard my ears popped.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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