Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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