You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
