i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
