Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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