peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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