My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
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The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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