Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
