hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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