we're chasing vodka with high fives
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
