I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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