Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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