I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
