he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
