Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
