If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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