I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
