Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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