You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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