paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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