i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
