If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
