time to smoke my breakfast
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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