Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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