he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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