hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
