i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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