She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
