Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
