she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
