no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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