Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
