We're facebook friends in real life
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
