ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
