I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
What drink are we having for lunch?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
