Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
