the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
