I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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