im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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