just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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